Small Potatoes
by luthien42
Summary: Blackadder II-Pirates of the Caribbean crossover. Baldrick-Jack Sparrow. Ties in with the episode 'Potato'.


**Small Potatoes**

**Setting: **  
The following is set during the episode titled 'Potato' in Blackadder II. Blackadder, Baldrick, and Percy have set sail with Captain Redbeard Rum, a bearded but legless old seadog, on a voyage to the Cape of Good Hope. Blackadder is trying to outdo Sir Walter Raleigh, who has returned from a successful adventure and brought Queen Elizabeth ("Mad Queen Bess") a new vegetable - the potato. Unfortunately, there is a slight flaw in Blackadder's cunning plan to impress Queenie: Captain Rum doesn't actually know the way to the Cape of Good Hope... 

**Note:**  
I know the dates are all wrong - Blackadder II is Elizabethan not Regency but 'Potato' was just calling out to me, so I took the liberty of transplanting Jack Sparrow back in time. 

Characters:  
Captain Jack Sparrow [JS] - pirate extraordinaire   
Sir Edmund Blackadder [EB] - witty but mean git   
S. Baldrick [SB] - dogsbody, first name unknown   
Lord Percy [LP] - complete idiot, friend of EB   
Captain Redbeard Rum [RR] - long on beard, short on legs  
Random Decrepit Pirate With Bad Teeth #1 [RDP#1] - so Jack isn't talking to himself all the time (he's quite barmy enough, thank you)

  
------  
** Somewhere in the Atlantic. On the deck of a pirate ship.**

JS: [squinting through a telescope at a listing, seemingly under-manned ship five miles south-east] Well, well, well, what do we have here?   
RDP#1: [who doesn't have a telescope] A ship, Cap'n?   
JS: British and in a deep pile of dodo's do-do from the looks of her spilling sails. What d'ya reckon?  
RDP#1: [smiles evilly, a gob of spittle trickling down chin] There be treasure, Cap'n.   
JS: [flicks his braids absentmindedly as he strikes a dramatic pose] Prepare to take her lads!

--------

** Five miles south-east of Somewhere in the Atlantic. Belowdecks of Capt'n Rum's ship, in the cabin.**

EB: [lying sprawled on a pile of sweaty musty cushions, gasping for breath] BaaaaldRICK!  
LP: [babbling incoherently from heat and thirst] Unhhhh....  
[Baldrick enters, clutching two mugs.]  
SB: You called, milord?  
EB: [aside] So it comes to this: drinking Baldrick's water. Oh well, there's nothing for it. Not if I want to get back to London and decapitate Sir Walter Raleigh - slowly. Where's the Captain, Baldrick?  
SB: On deck, milord. He already drank his ration. Says he likes the taste of his own the best.   
LP: [delirious] Lost, doomed! Doomed to wander the seven seas forever and ever. Weeks and weeks, water water everywhere...   
SB: [looks around eagerly] Where? Where? All I see are wooden walls, milord.   
EB: Baldrick, we're on a boat.   
SB: [hesitant] Yes....  
EB: And we find boats on ...?  
SB: [brow furrowed, thinks very hard] ...the sea!  
EB: No turnip-brain-- [He stops in mid-sentence, realising Baldrick actually has the right answer for once] Oh. Baldrick. We've been wandering, lost, for months on end now, without a scrap of land in sight. Lord Percy is wasting away from thirst. He's delirious. Give him the mug.   
[Baldrick shrugs and places the mugs on the table. He props up a barely conscious Percy on the cushions and is holding one of the mugs to Percy's lips, about to pour when there's a sudden scratching and scraping at the door. The legless Captain Rum crawls into the cabin.]  
RR: [melodramatically rolling his 'r's] Piiiirrrrrates! Piiiirrrrates!   
EB: [raises eyebrow] Really?  
SB: Do you think they'll have something to drink? Some cider, maybe?   
EB: Baldrick - they're pirates. They're more likely to cut out your bladder, blow it up and use it as a giant...inflatable thing than offer us a mug of rum and a couple of weevilly biscuits while they entertain us with a rousing sea shanty and a hearty jig or two.  
SB: Oh. [He picks up the two mugs and exits. His footsteps are heard clomping up the wooden stairs.]  
EB: [getting worked up] They mean to take us. When they discover we have nothing of value, they will hang, draw and string us up by our testicles to the ship's mast. I shall never see dear Queenie again, and even slug-faced Melchett, how I wouldn't mind suffering his witless wit to be back in England. I'm too young to die, I've so much left undone!   
RR: [cackles like a lunatic] Don't bust your bottom yet milord, 'tis Jack Sparrow's ship, he's the son of my sister Mildred's husband's cousin's aunt's ---  
EB: [impatiently] Yes, yes, alright, I get the idea. I take it we're saved?   
RR: [hoots with laughter] When did I say that?   
EB: Right. Insanity clearly runs in the family, then. 

--------  
** Above deck.**

[Baldrick sees the pirate ship looming along the starboard side of the ship. His mouth opens in astonishment, gaping not unlike a goldfish, as a wooden plank is laid between the two ships and a flamboyant, slightly gay pirate leaps onto the deck in front of him, missing his footing and landing ungracefully on his backside.]

JS: Ouch. [gets up and suavely takes one of the mugs from Baldrick. He sniffs the contents and grimaces.] It seems urine a spot of trouble, matey.   
SB: ...  
JS: [blithely tosses the mug and its contents overboard] I said, you're in a spot of trouble, friend?  
SB: Umm...  
JS: [bows sweepingly] Captain Jack Sparrow, at your service, kind sir.   
SB: [finally finds his voice] But you're a pirate.   
JS: [looks again at Baldrick assessingly. He raises one rakish, tattoed eyebrow.] So you noticed. Impressive powers of intellect. And you are -?  
[Baldrick opens his mouth to speak but Blackadder, who has made his way onto deck, butts in.  
SB: I'm --   
EB: Sod off, Baldrick. [adressing Jack] You, sir! I am a very important and influential man in Her Royal Majesty Queen Elizabeth's court - she will pay dearly for my safe return, any amount you might care to name, sir, even a royal pardon. If you would only feed and water us and show us the way home...  
JS: [interrupts] Is that your slave?  
EB: [gestures at Baldrick, disdainfully] You mean him? Oh, he's of no interest. Never mind him, Her Majesty will-  
JS: [interrupts impatiently] If you will give me your slave-   
EB: [surprised] You mean Baldrick there?   
JS: Right you are.   
EB: And nothing else?   
JS: Right you are. If you give me your slave, I'll see you have enough water and food to get back to England and potatoes to show your Queen. Sweet ones.   
EB: [gasps] Sweet potatoes? Really?   
JS: Last year another British ship came by, also as lost as a blind caterpillar in a cave on a moonless night. I gave them several sackloads of regular potatoes in exchange for my present crew of rowers. What a bunch of spindly fish out of water, that lot, especially their leader, Water Relay, I think his name was?   
[Blackadder starts at the mention of Sir Walter Raleigh.]   
But now I have rowers aplenty, what I need now is a personal servant. To care for my every need.   
[He winks lasvisciously at Baldrick who is, in all truth, looking rather lost and confused.]   
EB: [to himself] Well now, on one hand - Baldrick. On the other - food and drink and sweet potatoes for Queenie? Not really a question of who's got the rum end of this deal, eh?  
JS: So we are agreed?  
EB: Certainly. It's a pleasure doing business with you, captain.   
JS: [calls to his crew] Five barrels of salt pork and three of rum for these good fellows here. Also, five of the small sweet potatoes.  
[The pirate ship's crew hoist the barrels over while Blackadder and Baldrick say their farewells.]   
EB: [to Baldrick] Well, goodbye, Balders. I'd say it's been nice knowing you but you and I would both know that I would be lying through my teeth if I said that.   
Baldrick: [tearfully] Milord? You're abandoning me? But I've served you since I were a wee lad, milord.   
EB: Exactly, Baldrick. It's time you went off and saw the world. Cheerio. [goes off to check out the food]  
JS: [slings an arm around Baldrick's shoulders and leads him over the plank onto the pirate ship] Come on, Baldy. Being a pirate ain't too bad, you'll see. You might even enjoy yourself.   
SB: [reaching out in vain back towards the other ship] Lord Blackadder! Lord Blackadder!  
JS: [gently wipes away the tear-streaked dirt on Baldrick's cheeks] There, there. Parting is such sweet sorrow.  
SB: [blubbing] But I'll never see Lord Blackadder again...nor me turnip patch at home...   
JS: [kindly] You like turnips, Baldrick?   
SB: [stops in mid-blub] Uh-hmm.   
JS: So do I. A nobler root vegetable man has never yet seen. I've seen giant turnips in the New World - bigger than a horse and carriage...   
[The couple wander below deck, hand in hand as Jack continues his story to a rapt Baldrick.]

----------  
**Meanwhile...**

EB: [looking at the other ship as it recedes into the distance] Bugger.   
RR: [who has finally made it up the stairs and is currently peering intently through his telescope] You mean Jack Sparrow?  
EB: No, I mean we forgot to ask for directions.   
RR: Ah.   
LP: [Faintly, from below deck] We're lost, doomed! - doomed to wander the seven seas ---   
EB: [yells] Oh, shut up Percy! 

  
** THE END **(or is it?)  



End file.
